For 20 years, Barbieri has been a friend to the woman at the center of this story. They've known each other since they were in their teens and have shared many experiences together. However, over the past decade or so, something has shifted.
Barbieri's friend is constantly blindsided by people and events. Her husband left her, and as you might expect, that was a huge shock for someone who had put her trust in him. But what followed was also astonishing: most of their friends disappeared from her life as they struggled to cope with her separation. And yet, Barbieri's friend made a concerted effort to reach out to her and rebuild their friendship.
But then, things started to happen again that left Barbieri feeling bewildered and hurt. Her last employer turned on her without warning, despite the fact she was an excellent employee. And just when Barbieri thought she'd learned how to deal with this kind of thing, they happened again – friends disappearing from her life for no apparent reason.
Now that both Barbieri and her friend are retired, they're seeing each other more than ever before. But Barbieri is finding herself increasingly playing the role of audience member rather than equal partner in conversation. Her friend dominates every discussion, barely allowing her to get a word in edgewise. And when Barbieri tries to steer conversations towards topics she's interested in – like politics, for example – they're shut down quickly.
It's not just that Barbieri feels unheard; it's also that she starts to feel invisible. She'll offer insights and suggestions, but they're consistently rejected in favor of her friend's own agenda. And when the two of them are supposed to meet up, Barbieri will have returned from a trip to a country she knows inside out, only to find herself having to listen to her friend go on at length about her plans.
It's clear that something needs to change here. Barbieri doesn't want to be the one who cuts and runs without explanation; but she can't keep going on like this either, feeling as though she's losing herself in the relationship. So what can she do?
The advice of a UKCP-registered psychotherapist suggests taking an honest and direct approach. It starts with stating what happens when they talk – factually and objectively – then explaining how it makes Barbieri feel. There's no room for dispute here; this is simply about being clear-eyed about the dynamics at play.
But the real question is: can Barbieri ever get her friend to see things from a different perspective? This friend has a 'survival narrative' that keeps her locked into a particular way of thinking – and it's one that Barbieri may struggle to penetrate. The problem is, sometimes you just have to acknowledge that there are going to be blind spots.
The therapist suggests trying to address these issues in person rather than over the phone or by letter. There's something powerful about seeing your friend face-to-face – and this can help gauge body language and figure out when it's time to push forward versus pull back.
Of course, not all conversations are easy to navigate, especially if you're dealing with someone who is deeply invested in their own story. But the key is being honest and clear-eyed about what needs to change – even if that means having a conversation that might leave one of you feeling uncomfortable or upset.
It's also worth remembering that this friend has her own point of view – and that Barbieri needs to be prepared to listen to it, even if she doesn't agree with it. Sometimes, the best approach is simply to say what you need to say and then give your partner space to respond – not without being honest about how things have been affecting you.
For now, it seems like Barbieri has chosen to take a step back from this friendship and avoid discussing it directly with her friend. This decision is far from ideal, but sometimes, taking care of yourself requires that difficult choice.
Barbieri's friend is constantly blindsided by people and events. Her husband left her, and as you might expect, that was a huge shock for someone who had put her trust in him. But what followed was also astonishing: most of their friends disappeared from her life as they struggled to cope with her separation. And yet, Barbieri's friend made a concerted effort to reach out to her and rebuild their friendship.
But then, things started to happen again that left Barbieri feeling bewildered and hurt. Her last employer turned on her without warning, despite the fact she was an excellent employee. And just when Barbieri thought she'd learned how to deal with this kind of thing, they happened again – friends disappearing from her life for no apparent reason.
Now that both Barbieri and her friend are retired, they're seeing each other more than ever before. But Barbieri is finding herself increasingly playing the role of audience member rather than equal partner in conversation. Her friend dominates every discussion, barely allowing her to get a word in edgewise. And when Barbieri tries to steer conversations towards topics she's interested in – like politics, for example – they're shut down quickly.
It's not just that Barbieri feels unheard; it's also that she starts to feel invisible. She'll offer insights and suggestions, but they're consistently rejected in favor of her friend's own agenda. And when the two of them are supposed to meet up, Barbieri will have returned from a trip to a country she knows inside out, only to find herself having to listen to her friend go on at length about her plans.
It's clear that something needs to change here. Barbieri doesn't want to be the one who cuts and runs without explanation; but she can't keep going on like this either, feeling as though she's losing herself in the relationship. So what can she do?
The advice of a UKCP-registered psychotherapist suggests taking an honest and direct approach. It starts with stating what happens when they talk – factually and objectively – then explaining how it makes Barbieri feel. There's no room for dispute here; this is simply about being clear-eyed about the dynamics at play.
But the real question is: can Barbieri ever get her friend to see things from a different perspective? This friend has a 'survival narrative' that keeps her locked into a particular way of thinking – and it's one that Barbieri may struggle to penetrate. The problem is, sometimes you just have to acknowledge that there are going to be blind spots.
The therapist suggests trying to address these issues in person rather than over the phone or by letter. There's something powerful about seeing your friend face-to-face – and this can help gauge body language and figure out when it's time to push forward versus pull back.
Of course, not all conversations are easy to navigate, especially if you're dealing with someone who is deeply invested in their own story. But the key is being honest and clear-eyed about what needs to change – even if that means having a conversation that might leave one of you feeling uncomfortable or upset.
It's also worth remembering that this friend has her own point of view – and that Barbieri needs to be prepared to listen to it, even if she doesn't agree with it. Sometimes, the best approach is simply to say what you need to say and then give your partner space to respond – not without being honest about how things have been affecting you.
For now, it seems like Barbieri has chosen to take a step back from this friendship and avoid discussing it directly with her friend. This decision is far from ideal, but sometimes, taking care of yourself requires that difficult choice.
like can't they see how toxic this dynamic is?!
but girl bye if that's what it takes for her mental health! 
People can be so draining! Barbieri needs to set some boundaries ASAP 
And don't even get me started on when she tries to steer the discussion towards politics 
It's like Barbieri's thoughts dont matter anymore 
Taking an honest approach and being clear-eyed about what needs to change is key 
But at the same time, u gotta be prepared for the possibility that her friend might not budge 
And honestly, if Barbieri's tryna take care of herself, she deserves to do so 
... She's been loyal to her friend for 20 years, but now she's just getting ignored and dismissed in conversations 
. It's like she's invisible or something 
. I think it's really hard for people to change their ways, especially if they're super invested in their own stories 
.
? And I think it's great that she's taking care of herself by stepping back from the friendship for now... sometimes you gotta prioritize your own feelings 
.
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and honestly, I can see why she'd wanna step back from it now. Like, if you're consistently feeling invisible and unheard, that's gotta take a toll on ur mental health 
or the drama 
. Barbieri just needs to stop tolerating her friend's behavior and set some boundaries. Easy peasy, right? 
I feel so bad for Barbieri, she's been through so much already and now she's feeling like she's just a side note in her own friendship 
I'm torn between wanting them to work things out but also wanting Barbieri to prioritize her own emotional well-being 
. The therapist's suggestion of being honest and direct is super helpful, but it's scary to have those kinds of conversations 
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. I hope she finds some peace and healing in this friendship 
but at the same time, I hope they can find a way to reconnect and strengthen their friendship in a healthier way... 
but at the same time, you gotta acknowledge that there are gonna be blind spots 
and sometimes you just gotta accept that your friend might not see things from a different perspective 
she can't keep going on like this feeling invisible & unheard 
so even if that means taking a step back from the friendship, it's not the worst thing in the world 
#selfcare #emotionalintelligence
. You're like, "guys, chill out!"